I've never spoke about our sweet baby until now. Everything happened so fast that I never had the chance to share about him.
We started trying to have kids in October of 2009. It was so exciting to know that any time I could be pregnant! I was praying over our little baby before he was conceived. It took a little longer than expected. Everyone I was close to never even really "tried" to have kids so when we didn't get pregnant right away of course worry started to set in. "Can I even get pregnant?" "What if my heart of adoption is because we can't conceive?" Each month i'd take test after test just waiting and waiting.
In June of 2010 I finally got those longed for 2 red lines!!!!! Excited no where near describes it! I remember J patiently waiting on our bed as I did the deed. I came out with a huge smile and he knew what that meant! I'll never forget the look on his face. Priceless! Joy filled our hearts like never before!!
I made a Dr's appt right away. We got conformation that I was pregnant! So happy!! We decided to go ahead and start telling people. It was so fun to call our parents and friends. We had waited over 5 years before we decided to even start trying to have a baby. So needless to say our families were ready!
I knew from the moment I saw those 2 red lines that I was carrying a sweet baby boy. I had no doubt. Once again that feeling in your stomach!
I went back to the Dr to have my HCG levels checked again (which looking back I would have known that things weren't quite right but it was my first time so I thought this was standard) and this time they stayed the same. Now medically that meant your baby wasn't growing or else they would have went up significantly but I still had hope and believed 100% that God could do anything and our baby was fine. I went back 1 week later and had my blood drawn again to check the levels. I remember patiently waiting for the results. Finally a couple of days later I was at work when my Dr called me.
That call changed my life forever. I'll never forget the causal-ness of that conversation. She said "your baby isn't viable." I didn't even know what that meant. "Your baby isn't alive". Wow those words would ring in my ears forever. Of course I immediately lost it. I ran to Melissa (my Pastor's wife) and just sobbed. I'm sure she said really encouraging things but I really don't remember. She just let me cry. I needed that.
I still had to call J. He met me at home where we prayed and cried together. Then all the calls to friends and family. It was very hard. At the time I regretted that we had told everyone. I was so mad that I was having to go back and re-tell everyone that now I wasn't pregnant. But now I don't regret it. I WAS pregnant. I WAS carry my little boy. He WAS worth the excitement. He IS still part of my family. I'm glad that everyone was excited for us and our little boy.
I knew God would bless us with another baby. I was so sad but so glad that I knew my sweet boy was with Jesus. I know he had plenty of friends there to play with and welcome him home. I know God can take care of him much better than I can.
The very next month we were blessed with another baby. My sweet Ella! She is a gift straight from heaven. When I look at her I remember her brother. I know that one day i'll get to hold him in my arms and squeeze his little cheeks!!
In February of this year we went to a conference in Dallas. I was about 6 months pregnant. We were staying a hotel and J and I shared a room with our friend and student pastor, Brent. I came down for breakfast one morning and he said "I don't want to freak you out but...". I had no clue what was coming next. He's always saying something but I knew this time he was serious. He began to tell me that he woke up in the middle of the night and saw an angel standing beside my bed. He said it was a little boy dressed in all white. He said that he knew immediately in his spirit that it was Ella's guardian angel. He said I wasn't scared and didn't even question I knew exactly what it was. Now you have to know that Brent is someone who has a lot of credibility with me. He says what he means and does what he says. I trust him. As soon as he told me, it was all I could do to choke back the tears. God immediately said that the little boy was my little boy. Ella's brother. He was watching over her even in the womb. I was overwhelmed with joy and love. I was so happy that God had given me conformation that I had been carrying a little boy.
I thank God for taking care of my little boy. I'm so privileged to be able to raise our little girl. I thank God everyday she is here on earth with us.
I cherish every smile, every cry, every quite moment with her, EVERYTHING!
I like to think that when I see Ella smiling at "nothing" that she is looking at her little brother making silly faces at her.
I know that there are so many women who have experienced the same loss and even greater loss. I hope this encourages you. I hope that you are assured that your babies are in heaven. That God is taking care of them and He will take care of you.
In honor of our love for all of our children, here is a fun little print I just added to the shop.
Also i'll be running a special 15% off everything in the shop from now until Saturday! So hurry and place your orders! Enter LOVE15 at checkout! Click here to go directly to this print!