Thursday, September 16, 2010

Oh Baby

I am 10 weeks pregnant this week. I am still amazed everyday at the miracle that is happening inside me. For those of you who knew the "old" me, you are probably laughing at the fact that I am pregnant and excited about it. God did a huge work in J and I. From the start we never really wanted kids. In fact we would go as far as to say "we don't like kids". In reality what we didn't like was responsibility. Harsh I know but still true at least for me. The pure thought of giving up my time, myself, my wants, my needs, ME, it just appalled me! How could any one WANT to do that? I went through what I would call a dry season. I was crying out to God, "I want to go deeper with you, i'm sick of this surface stuff, give me maturity in You. " He answered me with an answer I didn't see coming for miles. He said "give up your selfish ways, your maturity will come when you have children." WHAT?? I don't even know if I want kids or I at least want to be 30! Did I hear that right? No way. This isn't just my decision. This is J's choice too. So I began to seek God on exactly what He meant. I prayed that He would hit me with a desire to be a parent and to do the same in J. He did! It's amazing I felt and feel like a different person. Suddenly J and I found our selves at Babies-R-Us looking at baby stuff. Me walking around saying "oooh I love that, ooooh how sweet" and J walking around banging on everything testing it's "sturdiness" and claiming "I can build that" (which he actually can!) God how amazing are you! At the same time J and I would agree that we are ready to be parents. That our desire to have children out weighs our desire to do what "we" want when "we" want to do it. This was such a lesson in sacrifice for me. It opened my eyes to the sacrifices God made for us. The sacrifice Jesus made for us. They became more clear than ever before. The love I have for this baby is life changing. It cannot be described measured or put into words. We chose to keep our little miracle a secret for a while and it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. I just want to shout it from the roof top. I was telling a friend how hard it was not to tell people and she said "I know because you feel like a different person". That summed it up for me. Yes I am a different person. A person who is still making mistakes, but is pursuing God like I never have before. He is changing me daily and teaching me His ways.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

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